Toby Green publishes articles in the Body and Soul segment of major National Metropolitan Newspapers each Sunday. Read her latest articles here.

Truth and consequences — July 20 2008

Stan had an affair. Alice had always said if she ever found out her husband was cheating there’d be nothing to talk about, he’d be out. But that isn’t what happened. First of all Stan wasn’t through with the affair and wasn’t sure he wanted his marriage. ‘Out’ meant he was free to move in with the other woman. So it was Stan who made the decision and left.

Alice tried to hide her shock and agony. Her mantra was ‘she can have the cheating S.O.B.’ However privately she sobbed frequently. She missed and loved Stan and no pretending alleviated her pain.

A year later it was over. Stan wanted to come home. Not so easy. Further fallout from the affair was the kids. Douglas was 13 and Marilyn was 17. They’d been abandoned as well. Doug was furious thinking his father a sleaze and Marilyn thought her mother pathetic to even contemplate taking Stan back.

Therapy was difficult. The key to marital counselling for infidelity is that the unfaithful person has got to get the full brunt of the consequences of their actions. This is not because I’m judgmental or punishing or like to see people squirm. It’s the only path to resolution. The person who does the hurting has got to understand the pain they’ve inflicted in order for the hurt party to emotionally re-connect to them. If the energy of the remorse doesn’t match the energy of the pain, there will never be closure. The victim will always feel the frustration of the distance between them.

To stave off guilt and being ‘wrong’ Stan tried to stay in denial. If he really wants to salvage his marriage, let alone recoup a relationship with his children my job is to break through that shell. When he finally got it, that he’d given three people he loved an irreversible shattering experience that would take time to heal, he was overwhelmed. He sobbed. “How could I have done it?” “What was I thinking?” “I’m so sorry.” That was okay. We were on the road to redemption. I thought.

The problem was Stan got stuck in self flagellation. That’s not the aim. The aim was reconciliation and intimate communication between them. Now three months later Alice was completely shut out. If she wanted to communicate about her pain, Stan responded as though she were being insensitive to his agonizing guilt.

I asked Stan how he’d be if Alice needed to communicate about being in pain if the pain were, God forbid, about one of their children dying in a car accident. He said he’d absolutely be there for her. I asked if he’d be there whenever she had a sad time about it and what if that sadness lasted a long time. He said absolutely not a problem. He’d listen. He’d cuddle her. He’d do whatever he could to comfort her.

I asked how it would be if he were the one driving the car that had the accident. All color drained from Stan’ face.

I explained that Alice was beyond blame and guilt and the story of what happened. She still has moments of sadness about the year that went missing in all their lives. And it’s you with whom she wants to share that sadness because it’s you she loves, is her best friend and wants comfort from.

At these times for Stan it’s either going to be about his guilt or her sadness. Affairs have consequences. Responsibility for that behavior calls for Stan to handle his own feelings, suck up his guilt, forgive himself and direct his empathy and energy to Alice’s needs.

Q. My wife loves me but since our daughter’s birth she rarely wants sex. I went to a prostitute and don’t know whether that or not telling her is the bigger betrayal.

Find out in couples counselling if your sexual needs will ever be met in your marriage. Then you can weigh the consequences of no sex, resolving your need with a prostitute or ending the marriage. She may be relieved to save the marriage and have your sexual needs met impersonally, (usually on a don’t tell me basis). (A prostitute client claimed she saved more marriages than I ever will!)